And now it’s time to apologize to another person.
I am so fucking sorry. I am so fucking sorry that I can’t let you grow. You could do so much more, but I will never let you go.
You’ll never let me go either, will you?
You don’t see me as poison to you future. You just see me as a remedy to you past.
You’ll probably never see or read this post.
That may be for the best, but I guess I have to try.
I almost picked up my phone so many times to just call you.
"Hey, want to get a drink and just talk? …It’s on me„,"
But I knew it would be pointless. I doubt you’d even answer your phone if you saw it was me…if you even still have me in your contacts list.
I want you to be happy. A start for that was me trying to leave you alone. S made a comment about how, while it would be difficult, this whole thing might be fixable. I didn’t want to fix it though - and I still don’t want to. We have not been able to be good friends for over six months. We don’t click.
I don’t want to force myself on anybody. I know I’m difficult to be around sometimes and I just wish the people knew I try to keep my distance for very good reasons. It’s not because I’m tired or I don’t want to go. My decision always came from my memories; parties or just small things where I felt like I brought everybody down, or I just sat out from everything.
I always want to try, but after a while I realized I needed to stop. I needed to stop trying to make compromises or act differently. I don’t want several drinks, I don’t want to dance, and I don’t want to smoke. I have no issues just sitting and watching until I realize how other people are perceiving me…until some body mentions how everyone is perceiving me.
Like I said, I don’t want to be friends again. The direction of our paths grew too far in distance. There are things you were going through that I’m sure I didn’t understand, while there are things with me you wouldn’t listen too.
But I hate losing people completely.
I think the short times we’ve had this past year, just the two of us and I miss them. I miss being able to talk to you about the little things.
I really am sorry for everything that happened. I am sorry for being vexatious to your life. I’m sorry I couldn’t express my intentions or my fucked up thoughts better.
I’ve been waiting to lose you since Black Friday when you drunkenly sang that it was nice being friends as I walked to my car to part ways. I cried that night in J’s arms being sure that I lost one of my few friends. And I cry now too.
It seems that’s all I’m able to do, huh?
I only tell you this because a part of me just hopes you get joy of knowing it. You aren’t losing much without me - you’re freeing up space to just grow. So you can take joy in knowing your bitch ex friend, who can go fuck herself, is in fact sad.